Undisclosed Desires

Friday

A letter to an old friend

Hello.

I hope you are out there somewhere and reading this. I know you probably won't find it until well after it's been written, or more likely, never at all. But I have some things that need to be said and the guilt that has been building inside me can't remain unspoken any longer.

I am sorry.

I am sorry for the wrongs I have committed to you, the hurt I have caused you, the worry and the anxiety and the tear-filled nights.. You were an amazing friend, one of the best I have ever had, and I regret so much that such a wonderful relationship became as mangled and torn as it did.

I miss you.

In fact, I can't stop thinking about you. You were in a dream last night where you finally came home and I cried and hugged you and I said that I was so deeply sorry. All you did was hug me back and smile and tell me of your adventures.

I regret ever dating you though...

Don't take that the wrong way. I mean it like this: our relationship, our friendship, was good. It was great, from what I recall. There was tension and there was discord, but no relationship would be complete without those things. I was happy and when we finally started to date I felt like nothing would change. But it did. Things became more serious faster than I had expected and the tension started to build between us. I realized that I didn't know how to love you more than a friend, even though you did. And that is why I regret us dating. I wasted such valuable, precious love that you had to give and I didn't realize this until too late.

I've been hounded by guilt since the day you left.

I wish you had called me any other time than when you did. I was with him and I felt obligated to say no to you, and for this I am sorry. I had made a promise and I broke it and I haven't yet forgiven myself for that because I need your permission. For once I am the one begging for your forgiveness.

You look happy, though.

I saw pictures of you smiling and I won't lie, I started to cry. I always told you you had a nice smile, and to see it again was refreshing. I was surprised at how many memories can flood your mind just from one photo.

I'm not obsessed or anything..

Or maybe I am. No, I just keep convincing myself that I'm looking for closure. I have no idea what this feeling is inside me -- desperation, loneliness, guilt, longing. I don't care to find out.. All I want is for it to be gone.

I need your forgiveness.

Tell me that it's okay, what happened between us, even though deep down I know that it wasn't. Tell me that you've moved on and you are so happy and couldn't dare ask for anything more. Tell me that you forgive me for hurting you, for making you cry, and pine, and wilt, and wither.

All I need is just one message, one letter in the mail. That is all I need.

Thursday

The Future

People say I am brave

for following my own bliss

but they don't know

that I haven't done all that I could do

in order to leave

I can't seem to leave you.

-------

Am I doing what is right?

Saturday

To all the warriors out there...

Keep on fighting

Brother, Sister

Keep on trying

Father, Mother

Keep on going

Loser, Winner

Keep on with your nonsense

Your heartbreak

Your incandescent light

Beating behind a stone cold heart

I hope that we can see some day

That all of us are the same

Broken little dolls tied up to puppet strings

I hope that we can see some day

That all of us are different

A puzzle pieced by fate

So keep on screaming

Keep on kicking

Keep on tick, tick, ticking

All ye who are dead and dying.

-----

I write

therefor I am written.

Tuesday

If you remember one thing...

if i ever push you away,
i don' t really mean to.
when i tell you i don' t want to talk about it
i do, i am just looking for the right words.
give me a minute, and if i can tell you; i will.
i try to be a struggling mix of real and
perfect at the same time.
at the moment,
i am working on the ratio.
when i get really quiet sometimes
it is because i have too much to say
i have thought of too many things to tell you
all at once
and i don' t know what to say first.
i get immaturely jealous of anyone
who gets to see you on a daily basis.
i miss you really easily.
but i also like that we can be
a p a r t
and we are both okay. space is good, too.
i love the way we love some of the
same things. and i love how
we love entirely different things.
my head is a complicated pile of thoughts,
and fears, and cravings, and dreams,
and this tangled up nostalgia for the
past and, somehow, the future.
i am flawed and i am human and i am broken and
i am trying. and i am one person and i am two
hands and i am one heart.and i love you.
and i am so glad you are here.

-------

...Remember this.

Sometimes you have to let other people say what you mean.
Sometimes that can be the hardest thing in the world.
This time, though...