Chapter One: you are born.

Dear Jesus Christ,

I think we have something special. You are the only man I have ever eaten before. You know--like that.

I would like to see you again, preferably sometime soon. The first time I saw you, you were in a painting. (Wasn't that silly? Your hair was all airy browns and your face was plaster and paper but I could see you, I could see the goodness in you, and apparently the brushstrokes all understood who you were as a whole and being and entity, because they captured you so perfectly I thought that maybe you were not a man, not a figure, not a member of words and hands, but a soul.)

But the last time I saw you, you were different. You were so beautiful, Jesus Christ, I thought that if you came too close I would envelop you in my arms and I thought I could lean into your neck and I thought it would be as beautiful as you, Jesus Christ, I thought we could meld together like two lowercase ls, solid straight lines making a skinny block of humid human.

But you aren't, and Jesus Christ, you were beautiful but you were also so weary and tired and exhausted and sleepy and starving and ravenous and fading, stomach tumescent and distended with hunger and suffering and the need to swallow your pain with a glass of wine and some bread, I understand, but I was so afraid all the color would wash out of your flat painted face that I was shaking and quivering all over you and I think I lost you then, Jesus Christ, I'm so sorry I lost you.

I love you, Jesus Christ. I think what we had was so, so special. Jesus Christ, I would like for you to come back. Jesus Christ, I never got to kiss you. Jesus Christ, I wanted to, Jesus Christ, I wanted to kiss you so hard. Jesus Christ, you didn't let me. Jesus Christ, you

didn't


I


I love you, Jesus Christ. I love you. Your silk-straw blood is in me. Your frayed skin is within me. I have taken it inside and felt the transubstantiation well like a new, separate heart, dissolving in my stomach, forever imprinted on the skin there. You must have known I would be wrecked, lost, torn apart, ripped asunder, killed, murdered, stabbed if you were not in my life, and for a while, I was, for a while I was nothing more than a baby suckling from grass, a child wearing leaves of daises instead of clothing, a teenager created from rib-bones, growing into what I am today, which is Nothing.

Oh, Jesus Christ, how could you let me lose you?

Signed,

------

A passage from a story i read called La Traviata.

It speaks to me in ways I never wanted.

21.

My body's screaming for your bones
My body's weeping for your skin
My body's yearning for your touch
My body needs your words within

So say the things I need to hear
Just say them loud and say them clear
So say the things I need to hear
Just say them now and while we're near

My body's gasping for your breath
My body's aching for your voice
My body's begging for that noise
My body doesn't have a choice

So say the things I need to hear
Just say them loud and say them clear
So say the things I need to hear
Just say them now and while we're near

You can whisper, you can shout
Scream it loud and let it out
Just let me hear you say those words
That let me know that I am yours

-------

I can hear this being sung in my head.

I just wish it wasn't being sung by me.

20.

Love is a one man story. It can't begin and it can't end without the number one being front and center. That line, that single digit, will be the start and the finish. You start with one person: alone, a blank canvas, totally incompitent to this world and their surroundings.

They don't know shit about love and what it is. To them there is only life.Then one day, one event happens to this one person and it becomes about one plus one. They both have no idea what is going on other than the fact that for some reason they are utterly and undeniably obsessed with each other. Time goes by and this story of one plus one starts to equal one. They learn more about one another than the scientists have learned about the earth itself; pet peeves are uncovered favorite attributes of the other are discovered, and something happens that not even science can explain. Mathmeticians are stumped by this unexplainable phenomina. How could one plus one equal one? Only the two individuals, totally engrossed in the others breathing, heartbeat and thought processes, could explain how this could happen.

-------

It's called love.

But that's just a theory, of course.

19.

I'll be hearing no more of your sad songs

No more will I receive your stories about war and conflict

No more will I hear your voice chastising me and cutting me apart

You were the waves against my shores but now you are no more

You can go on and sing about how much I've hurt you

How I threw you around like a whale with its seal

How I tore you down like Germany with its Berlin Wall

But I will sit here safe and sound and you'll know for sure I'm not around

I hope you have a good day, if it's any consolation for what I've done

I hope you find happiness in someone like I have found in him

I hope you live your life knowing that the end is there, so live like you're dying

But who cares what I hope because I doubt it'll help.

------

Good bye, sad song

18.

I wish you wouldn't stop writing

I miss your words dripping down

the page

I wish I could feel your soul again

Narrated by the voice in my head,

speaking as I read

You don't write about anything now

Not even how you feel, how I've

hurt you

At least give me this much, would you?

Let me drown in the bitter sweet realization

that I've hurt you

I hurt you good and I hurt you bad

And you bled while I healed and now

I think you've bled out

And now

I think you have no more words to say

And now

i think I'm floating in the silence of your pain.

-------------

Don't you ever stop

Don't you ever stop

Don't you ever....

17.

He said I wish we could

Just escape. I asked where

He would like to go and

He said Don't you know?

Oh don't you know? To

Escape anywhere where

Sometimes some time

Passes and maps become

hands that lead us to

Trainstations and hellicopter

Pads, that lead us to

Something just to get

High on. Then he went

Silent and I could feel

The silence sink in like

The dustbowl swallowing

The plains; white noise

Engulfing my head with

Fearful and uncertain

Whispers eating at my

Ear: there is no rain. And

I could feel my heart start

To weep as his lips parted

And he said the words that

I never wanted to hear, as

He said they're keeping us

apart and I have to jump

Through hoops and leap

Mountains just to be with

You. the dustbowl in my

Head then swallowed my

Whole body and I became

Numb, unsure of what to

Do, unsure of what to say.

I became numb and all I

Could manage was laying

Kiss after longing kiss upon

His forehead, hoping that

If not this one then the next

Would make him change

his words. But they didn't.

They were just butterflies

Swept up in a hurricane of

White noise and dust.

-------------

And for the first time in a long time.... I was scared.

.

And I find that

there seems to be an excess of words

floating around in my head

something is wrong

maybe the drain that is mouth is clogged.

I'm tired of recycling poems

in order to express how i feel.

i just wanna write

write out my heart

write your name in the sky

all i ever wanted to do

was make you happy

to see you                                                                                                                            smile.

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hmm.